MensLine Australia is a professional telephone and online support and information service for Australian men
1300 78 99 78 24/7


Profile Picture

Understanding verbal & emotional abuse

Posted By deedee 3 Years Ago
Rated stars based on 3 votes.
Author
Message
deedee
Posted 3 Years Ago
View Quick Profile
Junior Member

Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)Junior Member (20 reputation)

Group: Forum Members
Last Active: 3 Years Ago
Posts: 2, Visits: 0
I have realised through a separation recently that I had emotionally and verbally abused my partner. That sentence is a difficult one to type, and I'm still at the stage of not adding the context/situational "but" on the end there. I think accepting that it occurred, whatever the context, helps me to focus on the impact that it had on my partner. We are both sensitive people, but a mixture of inherited traits left unchecked, my own misguided cry-for-help and various unpleasant (but ultimately minor) life experiences drove me to venting through arguments. And there was the "but" - I've still got a ways to go.



So my question is really this - if we accept our role as verbal or emotional abusers, and if we are in all other respects gentle and sensitive people, how do we come to terms with our effect on our partners? There is a chance that my partner and I might work towards a future together, over time and with counselling, but the more I read about the results of verbal and emotional abuse, the more I wonder why she would even want me back. And could I forgive myself? Assuming that the core issues are resolved and both parties are safe.



I will be sourcing my own counselling for this issue, but I'm interested in the wider opinions on this board. Much of what I read about the topic covers the entire spectrum of abuse, and as much as I really want to embrace the "own your actions 100%" mentality as a way to begin to fix my own triggers and behaviours, I don't know how one is ever forgiven. Also, is the best approach really to take a "one size fits all" guilt?



I guess my tail ending question is almost selfish - how do we, the one provoking the situation, heal? How do we forgive ourselves for this? How do we let ourselves be loved without carrying that guilt onwards?

dazedandconfused
Posted 3 Years Ago
View Quick Profile
Junior Member

Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)Junior Member (13 reputation)

Group: Forum Members
Last Active: 3 Years Ago
Posts: 1, Visits: 0
I'm still coming to terms with the accusations – unofficial – against me that I am a verbal/emotional abuser. I'm continually throwing up the defence, in my own mind at least, of “I only give as good as I get”. I realise that's no defence at all because it's frequently my response to complaints from my wife (we're still married but seriously contemplating separation) that end up with me getting annoyed and then angry to the point where I yell at her. We can both be quite pointed when it starts, which is a reference to my defence.



At this time I can't help with the answers to your clearly expressed questions. I suppose I'm in a fog of confusion myself. I do know that separation and divorce are facing me (this is my second marriage) again and in some way I can see that as a form of penance cleansing me of the label as verbal and emotional abuser. But that bodes ill for future relationships, I know that. I hope other posters can chip in and put their views, this is a really helpful thread with very appropriate questions.

nigel
Posted 3 Years Ago
View Quick Profile
Forum Guru

Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)Forum Guru (456 reputation)

Group: Forum Members
Last Active: 2 Years Ago
Posts: 34, Visits: 932
im in the same situation but my wife says she has had enough and leaving.we have three kids together 5,3 and 1.I know i have been doing the wrong thing by emotionally abusing her and sometimes physical and i want to stop.what can i do to make her stay and give it another shot.i am seeking councelling i started by ringing mensline this will be the first time i will be getting proper help and i want her to stay and give it a chance.

Google
Posted 3 Years Ago
View Quick Profile
Forum Guru

Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)Forum Guru (17,417 reputation)

Group: Forum Members
Last Active: 11 hours ago
Posts: 1,125, Visits: 5,030
Physical abuse is a no-no. Verbal and emotional abuse is also a poor way to treat those that we love, but it's not necessarily the only a one way street. Some men often physically abuse their partners because they cannot communicate at the same level or speed as their partners. This is not an excuse, it's a description of the process that sometimes occurs.

Women castigate men for physical abuse, and rightly so, but I believe that a lot of women have become much more verbally agile than men - and their ability to dominate arguments and conversation with greater speed & more oblique comments puts them at an advantage - this can be true for men too, but not in my experience. Sometimes men who cannot keep up with the flow start speaking louder, then begin shouting as voices are raised because their opinions are not heard. It's counter-productive for anyone - a woman or a man - to seek to win an argument by talking faster, or louder than the other or by making several points at once that cannot be simply or serially rebuffed.

Men are encouraged to keep their hands to themselves, and this is right. But then if men should keep physical contact to the same level as that of the weakest or least capable particpant in the argument, surely the same applies to verbal abuse - and men are often weaker here too. Therefore women - or men - who occupy these conflicts should ensure vocal levels and point making are in keeping with the ability of the least capable. Being dominated by a barrage of arguments that don't hang together, or cannot be rebuffed or disputed as they are made is no better than being dominated by someone who can physically force you to stop talking or emotionally cripple you.

My advice is - if you do this physically, verbally or emotionally, you need to stop. Man or woman, the weakest sets the level.

So, guys - make sure you're not loading yourself with guilt for something you've been made to feel is your fault - if it is, you need to stop.

Set rules for conflict resolution.

You cannot make someone come back or try again, you need to provide an environment for them to WANT to do so. Good luck...

Edited 3 Years Ago by Google


Similar Topics


Reading This Topic